Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Mahou Amberstone's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
3:14 pm	YAY! oh, journal! i got to talk to piotr.. just him and me. he looked so vulnerable.. but that's they way i always am. i wonder what it's like to be strong... i hugged him to help him feel better. i think it worked. he reall doesn't like his brother.. i wish i could do more for him, but i will do as much as is required of me. ^^ i'm glad to finally be his friend. he held my hand! he cried into my shoulder.. those violet eyes looked so helpless. i just wanted to hug him forever and hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay. i wanted to reassure him. i wanted to be there for him. and i was. i stil am. i had the gall to kiss his cheek. *^.^* i actually kissed his cheek. that felt nice to do. just a little peck to show him that he's cared for. even if it is by a friend. i'll move at the pace he wants. if i can't love him.. then i want to be his friend. pio.. OMG! i just realised i called him pio! he didn't seem to mind, which is good. i'll keep on calling him pio, then, until he says something. i wonder what he thought? *ponder* oh, journal.. a happy entry at last! i feel happy after so many years of torment.. of hatred.. i feel happy. i felt happier than anything alive for a moment. for a blissful moment when he hugged me back.. i felt that nothing could go wrong. i felt that the gods had finally taken pity on me and let me have my moment. and my moment was wonderful. i replay it in my mind over and over. i think i might love him. i told him so, too, but in elfish. there's no way i'm telling him that in english! i don't want to scare him. not when i just became his friend. well, class calls... >< love, mahou Current Mood: jubilant (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:02 am	agony i do not ken if i have had the honour of putting up a happy entry.. and it still does not seem i will.. though, i got to talk to arcadia. i hugged her wolf. gods, it felt so good to hug a wolf again. it made me remember storm. i hugged arcadia, too. it felt good to hug someone. i miss it. piotr seems to be having a tough time. i hope i can find him and talk to him. i want to be his friend. above all else.. i want to be his friend. he seemed to almost attack me before.. but that doesn't matter. if it will make him feel better, he can attack me. if it would help him.. he could kill me. ^^ that is how dedicated to my friends i am. i saw izzy and peter hugging in the infirmary today. izzy didn't look to happy.. but peter looked almost.. in love, i guess. love might be too strong a word. i wonder if he has a crush on izzy? i'll have to ask him. that would be wonderful! ^^ well, that is all for right now. it's odd that i made friends with arcadia. very odd. but i am happy. i have a new friend. she also is willing to help me with my snape thing. ^^ the potion is already under way of being made! i just have to hand her the recipe i found. at least it will make me appear human. i wonder what severus will think? love, mahou ----- song: "Who Needs Sleep?" Now I lay me down not to sleep I just get tangled in the sheets I swim in sweat three inches deep I just lay back and claim defeat Chapter read and lesson learned I turned the lights off while she burned So while she's three hundred degrees I throw the sheets off and I freeze Lids down, I count sheep I count heartbeats The only thing that counts is that I won't sleep I countdown, I look around Who needs sleep? well you're never gonna get it Who needs sleep? tell me what's that for Who needs sleep? be happy with what you're getting There's a guy who's been awake since the Second World War My hands are locked up tight in fists My mind is racing, filled with lists of things to do and things I've done Another sleepless night's begun Lids down, I count sheep I count heartbeats The only thing that counts is that I won't sleep I countdown, I look around Who needs sleep? well you're never gonna get it Who needs sleep? tell me what's that for Who needs sleep? be happy with what you're getting There's a guy who's been awake since the Second World War Who needs sleep? well you're never gonna get it Who needs sleep? tell me what's that for Who needs sleep? be happy with what you're getting There's a guy who's been awake since the Second World War There's so much joy in life, so many pleasures all around But the pleasure of insomnia is one I've never found With all life has to offer, there's so much to be enjoyed But the pleasures of insomnia are ones I can't avoid Lids down, I count sheep I count heartbeats The only thing that counts is that I won't sleep I countdown, I look around Hala Hala Hala Who needs sleep? well you're never gonna get it Who needs sleep? tell me what's that for Who needs sleep? be happy with what you're getting There's a guy who's been awake since the Second World War [Repeat] Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 2nd, 2002
2:43 am	woe is me i don't know what i'm going to do... so much has happened! i gave marvo the elfin congratulations and uiliam got mad at me. he slapped me.. it hurt so badly. but i deserved it. i should have known he would have felt that way. i feel horrid. i wish i hadn't done that in public. i wish i would have told marvo in private. uiliam's been attacked! soren's left.. and i think i saw a girl with long black hair walking by piotr. i'm not sure. but it was when i was dazed. uiliam, i think, had just gotten attacked, so i could have imagined it was piotr. he means so much to me, diary. if he were interested in another girl.. i couldn't continue trying to be with him. i couldn't cause him the stress and pain of it all. i just hope it was my imagination.. deep within my soul i hope.. uiliam is getting worse. they sent for peter, an elfin doctor from home, to tend to him. the magick that peter does helps with his condition, but not his coma. i cry every night, knowing uiliam is far away.. but where is he? if only i were more adept at elfin magick! i might be able to scry or astral project and find him. though humans do that too.. i'm not all that good at it. oh, diary.. everything is going all wrong. everything is horrible. i want to go home.. i have made only a few friends, and those friends are not even all that close to me. i.. i wish i had never come here. if i had never come here.. uiliam would not have been attacked.. i would not have thrust my heart deep into piotr.. hoping that he would return with his. i would not have bared my heart to him.. uiliam still is not awake. it has been a week and a half! wake up, uiliam! dearest uiliam.. wake up. piotr.. tell me there is no other girl. tell me i was imagining.. please.. just someone tell me i am okay. someone tell me it will all work out. diary.. i am going insane.. what if i.. what if i.. die? i knew a girl back home that killed herself because a boy did not love her. she threw herself from the top of the school. there was a note in her hand to that boy.. telling him how much she loved him. he went insane.. he is fine now.. but he cried and screamed and kicked at the girl's body. diary.. will i end up like that girl? i have put so much of my heart into piotr. what if he does not love me? am i moving to fast? are my feelings true? severus still means a lot to me, and i have found a potion to make myself age. it lasts only a day. i want to get this ready by hallowe'en. i will tell the school that i'm going to go to cerrydwin's for the samhain feast and all that, and then i will take the potion.. write them a letter saying that it is the potions master from cerrydwin's.. just to see.. with severus. am i insane already? thinking of taking such a potion to try to see if severus could ever love me? i will out-live him, diary, i know. even if he were my age, i would out-live him. until next time, mahou Current Mood: drained (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 14th, 2002
3:16 am	oc, tests i get from nim and marv! part 2! You're Morticia Addams! Take The Addams Family Test Here! I had to take this test.. though it's for guys. ^^;; <td></td><td width="400"> *Yawn* Your life appears to be quite boring and dull, spiced up only by the fact that you have really awesome friends. You're a hopeless romantic, and at least you're persistent, we'll give you that. You would benefit from gaining a sense of humor and learning not to be so whiney all the time. But when it all comes down to it, you really know how to get your shit together, which is an admirable trait. You're a mad fat chick killa! Take The "Which Kevin Smith Male Are You?" Quiz!!</td> woah.. this is so true it's CREEPY My anthem is: "Electro-Shock Blues," by Eels. I'm a very giving person, which means I frequently cut myself short. Everyone sees me as being perfectly alright, without any huge problems of my own, but I beg to differ. Even when I ask for help, no one really believes me... I'm trying, but it's not easy. Find out what YOUR anthem is HERE! I AM ALIGNED WITH THE ELEMENT EARTH Element: Earth Direction:North Celtic Celebration: Yule (approx. Dec 21st) Personality Traits: Responsibility, Stability, Respectfulness People who are aligned with earth tend to be very stable people who are often considered other peoples "Rocks" Find out what element you are aligned with This test created by Celtic_Shamanes Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
2:58 am	oc, tests i get from nim and marv! <td></td><td width="400"> You're all about romantic love, and you would do anything for your man. You will be successful in your life and relationships as long as you can keep a handle on your oral fixations. 37!! That's just too much! Take The "Which Kevin Smith Female Are You?" Quiz!!</td> <td> The Eighties Pop Act Test deems me: </td> <td> 80% Eighties Pop Act You are Madonna: You have managed to pull yourself out of the eighties, and found new levels of career respect, but you will always be a material girl, and your hair is naturally big. </td> Which Internal Organ are you? Find out at willaston's lounge! I'm a...... Take Squiggle UK's 'Are you addicted to online tests' test You will marry LEGOLAS from Lord of the Rings, live in an ancient elven palace in the middle of the forest, and spend your days walking on top of snow and rowing ivory boats and just being beautiful. What's YOUR M * A * S * H future? LEGOLAS! LOL wheeeeeeee! Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 12th, 2002
11:26 am	Slap three times... Oh gods around me. Uiliam slapped me! Backhanded.. it hurt so much.. why did he do it? I think it was because I gave Marvo the Elfin congratulations that's only used for the highest of elves. It goes something like this.. Leaves my turn and fall from their places That the gods intended But you, a shining star, will ever be Constant in the heavens For such deeds that you have done Are worthy of great praise I bestow the praise of the gods upon you My will willing it so A shining star in a blackened place A shining star in an unconstant place Stay constant, for you are Not a leaf But a star. That's basically what I told Marvo.. I thought he deserved it. He, being a Junior Auror, deserved such praise as that. The gods could have been there themselves, and praised him for his acts. He is a good man, that Marvo. I was punished severely for that.. it hurts still.. though the physical pain is gone.. I hurt. My heart hurts. What will I do now? I'm glad Piotr wasn't there to see it.. what would he have done? Would he have come to my aid? Would he have wanted to beat Uiliam to so much cosmic dust? Would he have comforted me.. consoled me.. put his arm around me? What would have happened? But he could have walked out after Uiliam, but not AFTER Uiliam. He could have just stared at me like I was so much sludge on the bottom of a dwarf's shoe. Maybe I don't want to know what he would have done.. But I wish I did. I don't feel like writing anymore.. I hurt so much.. I want to talk to Piotr.. Love, Angel Ears *there's a sketch of mahou on the ground with a comically-angry uiliam towering over her, piotr watching* Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
8:14 pm	Inside the mind of a half-elf Today is going to be another well-enough day, it seems. I still have yet to plan my ritual. And it's MABON, not Lughnasadh. *eh-heh* I've been thinking about Piotr more and more lately.. as if I have this deep crush on him or something. I want to apologise so much to him.. though I don't know how to go up to him. Heck, I don't even know where he is. I just wish that I could talk to him.. just for a few minutes.. to let him know how sorry I am that I didn't listen. I wonder what would have happened if he had finished what he had started? He seemed like he was going to bite me.. like some wacked-out vampire hyped up on something. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I wish that he *had* bitten me, if that's what he was gonna do. I wonder what I would be doing now if he had? How would half-elf blood effect him? I wonder if it would taste better than human.. These are some pretty strange questions. *eh-heh) The new girl is Izzy Corelli. She seems very nice and I hope to be able to become good friends with her. She seems so eagre to help me out.. and she's very graceful. She's a 4th year Gryff like myself. The other girl, her name is Niamh, slapped Marvo! SLAPPED him! I always liked Marvo.. he's kinda cute in his unsure little way. Just makes you wanna go up and hug him, pat his head, and tell him it'll all be okay. But I could never do that. I told Nimue and Izzy that I like Piotr. I wonder how they'll take it? I really do like him.. he's deep, unsure, handsome, and so many other things that i can't put into words. There's something about him that reminds me of me. Like he wants to fit in but doesn't understand why. I wish I could help him.. at least by being his friend. But I know, if I were his friend, I'd be aching for something more.. and if he had ever found someone else to turn to.. I would die inside. I've also been thinking about the Severus situation. I don't know exactly what to do about it. I have heard of a certain potion, but have no idea how to go about making it. Let along gathering the ingredients when I *do* find it out. All I know is that no one must know about it.. not even Nimue. I have to do this all by myself. Or I might get caught and expelled. Then I'd never be able to see Severus, Piotr, Izzy, or Nim again. It's agonising thinking about this. I want to do this so badly.. to see if things would be different for me and Severus. But I know I shouldn't since it might jeoperdise my schooling. But I know.. deep down.. that I'll never be happy until I find out if things would be different. I don't think that it will matter to him either way.. but I have to try. More later. Until. Angel Ears *there is a doodle of Piotr next to Severus, hearts around them, and Mahou inbetween, with an unsure look on her face* Current Mood: indifferent (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 7th, 2002
10:12 am	alas! I have just met two new students at Hogwarts: though I only know one of their names. Soren Fujimiya. When I first saw him, it was like seeing Severus in a time-warp. But then he spoke.. and I studied his appearance.. and it was not Severus. It is Soren, almost a mini clone of Snape, like in that Austin Powers movie.. mini me or something like that. I could just call him Mini Snape. *laugh* But, as far as I can tell right now, he could never match the one person (besides Severus) that I like. This boy is still more suave and charming that Soren. His name is Piotr Rachinov. He seems so alone.. I want to help him so badly.. but what if I get attacked again? I have decided, just now in a burst of claivoyance, that that does not matter. Friends don't put themselves before their friends; and I won't do this with Piotr. I wish I had a photo of him.. maybe I'll find one, who knows? Even if nothing comes of it, I still want to be his friend. Though when we should talk, I would want to hear him speak things to me.. poetry.. sonnets.. or just idle chatter.. just to me. No one else. Only me. Piotr Rachinov.. would you ever be my friend? This new girl seems very nice. She nearly shoved poor Marvo out of the way to see me. It was a wonderful change from being shoved myself. Marvo seemed concerned and wants me to stay. Soren does, too. As does this new girl with the lovely voice and grace almost to match my own. But the two people whom it matters the most from have not said anything.. Piotr and Severus. Why won't you tell me you want me to stay for me? Even if it is just Piotr.. I have a feeling Severus would never say anything like that if he could help it. But that adds to his charm! I just want to hear those words from Piotr Rachinov. Won't you tell me you want to be my friend, Piotr? I wish you would. Slytherin or not.. tell me.. lots of love, angel ears Current Mood: crushed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 6th, 2002
9:28 pm	Oh dear... Well.. I think that going to school and interacting with boys is going to be more difficult than I thought. At least in Cerrydwin's they were all girls.. I think I blush too much and it guess it seems like I might try to come on to them. I don't know.. I 'll have to try my best to make friends with some of them. It doesn't seem to be going too well, seeing as I have made all of.. about.. zero or one guy friend. I'm not having much luck on the girl side either. And I don't think a lot of my professors like me. Alas, my feelings for Severus still haunt me. When he berated me for wanting to help Piotr, it was like my world was crashing down on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a feeling if Uiliam found out about what Piotr tried to do... he'd go and have at it with Severus. I hope he doesn't do that. I worry a lot, you know. The first day of autumn is fast approaching! I will have to do my ritual soon.. I believe it's called Lughnasadh, but I could be wrong. I never was good at the names of the holidays. *nervous laugh* I'll have to dig out my tools and do that at night outside. Perhaps on the Quidditch pitch. I wonder if anyone will see me? It doesn't matter if they do or not.. I'll do my ritual anyway. :p who knows, maybe one or two who might watch will find it interesting. I'll have to wear the robe Ma made for me.. I don't think Skyclad is allowed here. Besides, I wouldn't want anyone in this school seeing me in my birthday suit. *blush* Ah well. I'll just have to make do. I have been thinking about the Severus situation.. What if I were older? Would that matter to him? An idea has been stewing in my head for a little while, now. Ever since I learned about so many students taking potions and such. Whoops! Someone's coming into the Common Room. Better put this away.. Lots of Love, Angel Ears Current Mood: nervous (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 5th, 2002
5:05 pm	Once upon a December... So much has happened since I arrived here. Losing lots of points.. meeting Snape.. The Forest rejected me. That was a blow to my heart and everything I had believed in. Nimue was accepted.. over me.. I couldn't hardly take that. I still can't comprehend it. But since then, I have made up with Nim. Just earlier, Piotr attacked me. I don't know what it was about, but he had told me not to touch him. I wanted to help him so badly, that I didn't listen. Next thing I knew.. I was in his arms. Not that that was a bad thing. Then, Lord Snape came in a separated us. The feel of his hand on my shoulder was a little piece of heaven. Then he yelled at me. I guess I was wrong to think that he cared about me at all. Even as a friend. All he cared about was a student. Not Mahou Amberstone. Uiliam came to visit, for which I'm happy. But he wants me to leave Hogwarts. But I think I might. There is nothing here for me. Nothing at all. More to come as the days go by. Current Mood: depressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)